Tales from the Emailses

I haven't written on here for ages, and i know, people have missed me. The amount of emails i've had have been phenominal (real amount:zero) but what with my recent obsession with MySpace and not thinking of anything interesting to write about and general not being botheredness, i've really let this place slide.

Anyway, all this preamble is just to post an email i just wrote. I think perhaps that is the future of blogging, the mindless ctrl+c, ctrl+v of emails.

Enjoy:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
(Andy)

I am at work and someone has been messing up my desk and writing on MY post it note pads. That makes me furious like the Hulk. They've been using my special highlighter pens and everything. Bastards. I can tell because you can see the ink level in them and the ink level has gone down in the yellow and green ones compared to the blue and orange ones. They are the only thing that keeps me coming back here week after week and SOMEONE'S BEEN FUCKING WITH THEM!

I cant fucking wait to see Xmen. I love sexy Wolverine. And all superheroes for that matter. Man! I wish I was a superhero. That would rule.

I am somewhat uninterested in being at work, today, tomorrow, and for the forseeable future. What a drain on my mind and soul. If only Paul McKenna, or Derren Brown (obviously, I would prefer Derren, due to his sexy vampire qualities) I wish one of them would hypnotise me into being motivated into getting some kind of job I would like and which I could be creative in, instead of wasting my life in this hole caring way too much about some coloured pens and post it notes.

I had thought before of emailing you all day long about a million times but hadn't because it would make me look like a loon. Ah well.

Have you been watching Big Bro? Pete will win.

Tubgirl, if you don't know yet, is a girl kind of upside down in a bath spraying a fountain of brown liquid from her anal eye. Its seriously a FOUNTAIN OF BROWN. And ssooooo gross, alongside goatse, which I have never seen, which is of a man holding his arse open, but its supposed to be like really open, like enough to fit atleast a hand inside. But as I said, ive never seen it, as descriptions are vile enough and my mind is already scarred from Tubgirl. If you look either of them up on Wikipedia, there are detailed descriptions of these and other shock sites, but thankfully no pictures on them. Others I have heard of are Lemon Party, which sounds horrible enough, of old men going at it.

Well, now that I have written an essay for you, I might go and make a lovely cup of coffee, as we have run out at my house and I like its tasty flavour in preference to tea whilst at work.

Ive been designing some poster fold up flyer things, I will send you one when its done and dusted. If only I knew a cheap printer place.

People in windows, glimpsed from a train

On my journey back from the market tonight, i looked in the windows of the houses that went by, and sometimes, you see someone in the window, and because the train goes by so fast, its like a tiny snapshot which you can't mentally register until you've gone past it. It develops in your mind like a polaroid. And i always imagine the logical conclusion to the scene i witness, though, usually being a kitchen, its usually having a nice meal and talking about their day, or sitting alone and eating something, or finishing the washing up and going and watching TV, making a cup of tea, daydreaming, making a list, singing a song that has been in their head for a while.

I love Liverpool Street Station

I go through Liverpool Street Station usually atleast once a week, and everytime i do, i am struck by just how much i like it.

When i get off my train as it pulls in, and look up to the massive ceiling above me with its tiny details everywhere, i can imagine the awe people must have felt getting off their train into London for the very first time, into this giant gateway into the city. With its odd sense of scale - tiny details on massive pillars and the steel beams holding up the ceiling miles above you, things which,if a station that size were built today wouldn't be considered in the same way. It is such a perfect entrance into the city, especially compared with Victoria or Waterloo or Kings Cross.

And it still has the flippy down timetable screen things with the train times, not yet replaced with digital displays, which make me feel warm when i look at them, even when they are telling me that my train has been cancelled.

How cool are ipods these days?

A few weeks ago, i was working at a graphic design company and when it was time to go home, i put on my coat, my scarf, checked i had my ticket, and then went to get my ipod out of my bag to put it on shuffle and put it in my bag, but i stopped myself, because i didnt want anyone to see, because, i realised later, i wasn't sure how cool ipods are anymore.

I am so ashamed that i did this, but i then waited til i got out of the place and was a bit down the road before getting it out of my bag and doing the aforementioned, then walking to the train station in a daze trying to work out what the hell i was doing.

Are ipods cool because they are new, or because they are a good piece of technology, or are they so not cool anymore because everyone has one now, so they arent even a rarity anymore?

This is like the time in my first year of uni when i couldnt decide if i should get a mullet haircut because it was kind of avantgarde, even though i detest them (mullets).
A real identity question - am i trying to be cool by doing what i want or am i cool by doing what other people that are doing what they want to do are doing, or should i do whats in all the magazines.It is at moments like these that i take a look at my self and realise how fucking retarded i am being.

So anyway, the most recent time i went to this place, i got my ipod out infront of everyone, and it was covered in Hamtaro stickers, and i just didn't care! Though i havent been asked back as yet.

Neighbours spoilers once again...

Yes, Serena has died. I don't know if Connor is coming back (i hope not, i never liked him) but the whole Bishop cru are dead, except for Harold, who starts taking revenge on Paul (who he blames for the whole thing) by making him think he is going crazy, and then trying to strangle him (!) until Izzy comes in and Harold realises that his worst nightmare has come true - he has become Paul!

Alex and Susan get married right before he dies, leaving Susan the mother of his kids, plus a new Kinski kid who pops out of the woodwork to hate Susan for a bit.

Steph's cancer comes back, though she refuses to have any treatment as it may harm her baby, prompting Max to enlist the help of the only lawyer in Erinsborough, Toadie, in getting her certified mentally insane (as opposed to physically insane?) so that she can be forced to have treatment, which in turn prompts her to kick him out of the house.

Boyd, as a part of his training to become a doctor, is working at the only doctors surgery in Australia (Dr Kennedy's) and discovers that the scumbag (or should i say, 'bludger', 'drongo', or the strangely appropriate-sounding 'cake taker'?) that Janae slept with (in his car. Once) has a disease... a Generic Deadly Blood Disease! (a GDBD), and he thinks she may have it too, but can't tell her, because of all that Hippocratic oath stuff that Karl is always so good at following.

Oh yeah, and Gail Robinson (wife of Paul) comes back!

I think what the show needs is a lovely family like the original Kennedy's. Alas, they are but Dr K and Miss Smith now. Sigh.

Racist old ladies

I went to a jumble sale today (total haul: one box of dominos, an antique Happy Families game, and a Stork Margarine 'Gayer Cakes with Fine Icing' promotional book circa 1950), and waiting outside for it to start (im not usually that sad but there had been one on before it down the road, so...) there were two old ladies having a conversation (might i add that this was a very small room, the size of a lift, maybe, and was filled with atleast 10 other people besides myself). Im not proud of it but i tend to find myself listening in on conversations when they are right next to my ears in the tiny crowded foyer of a town hall. I was somewhat surprised to hear in these intimate surroundings the most racist conversation i have ever heard in my entire life! It was almost a privilege to witness such outmoded and incorrect views on British life. Well, almost.

Amongst these two pinnacles of society's declarations were such gems as:

-all Chinese people have TB
-you don't want to eat Chinese food as you can never be sure you're not eating dog
-all the schools in this country are full of foreigners
-all foreigners are dirty and diseased
-all foreigners complain about living in England
-school dinners are filth
-South Africa is much better because you have to pay for education and they don't have school dinners
-It's a disgrace

They said other things but those were the ones i can remember before my ears started ringing from the strain of not having an outburst.

Which leads me to a conundrum. What DO you say to someone if they are voicing views around you which are so opposite to what you see as the truth, and so hilariously offensive? And what if they are not voicing them to you, but just next to you, are you in the wrong by eavesdropping? I feel i must formulate a plan of attack for just this kind of situation, somehow launching it back at them, but how?

Anyway, as the doors opened and we were ushered in, someone said "good luck!", and the taller (and i think, leader) of these ROLs (Racist old ladies) announced "I don't believe in luck, i believe in jesus!"

She is going to take over the world

On Friday, i witnessed history being made.
Celebrity Big Brother finished, and someone who is not a celebrity won it. That's right. History. Being. Made.

Putting aside the whole Orwellian Warholian Daliesquesness of the entire thing, the fact that the nation appears to have grasped the concept of irony so well restores my faith in this country. That a non-celebrity called Chantelle could win a competition of fame over a household name as big as Michael Barrymore ?), being put there by the nation at large is inspiring beyond anything i think i have ever witnessed in my whole life!

Wow.

That 00's Show.

I forget why, but the other day it struck me that the iPod is one of the icons of now. And that when people look back on the 00's in the future, in twenty years or so, and people dress in 00's clothes and its all so retro, they will ll have ipods as some kind of fashion accessory of that time, like legwarmers are icons of the 80's and miniskirts are an icon of the 60's.
Noty everyone had them but everyone thinks of them when they look back at that time.
I don't know what point i am trying to make here, other than the realisation that looking back at things is never accurate and everything is contaminated by time.

Also, this gives me the opportunity to use the Worth1000 picture I did months ago, which isn't all that good but, well, i don't care.

Return of the Mac

Right, i am back in Blog-land. I only work at my office job two days a week so i don't have so much time to put things on here at lunch time (obviously).

I have been a-working on my market stall, which has been great, but lately sales have dried up, assumedly due to the cold weather, the destitution of January and the after christmas curb on unnecessary spending. So we have stopped for a few weeks to soothe our chilblains.

I always write notes of what i want to put on here, what i want to write about, but never get round to writing it, due to the broken-ness of my computer's keyboard the general faff of putting my computer on to charge, finding pictures, blah blah, not being motivated and so on. The following text is from the last few weeks of non blogging, where i have written stuff but not transferred it to a internet connected computer (after i dropped mine on the floor and jammed the cable up), so there you go.

I don't know what is going to happen in Neighbours, ater the massacre of the Bishop family (FYI, Serena and Liljana are both dead dead dead). But i shall endeavour to find out what else is likely to occur on Ramsay Street, for the people who keep searching for 'Neighbours torrents spoilers' and coming here for 0.2 seconds.

If you want more proof of my slow transition back into a 13 year old girl, check out my latest Ebay purchases: a unicorn poster; a pink Nintendo DS; 24 Bonne Bell lipbalms from america; and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Top Trumps (Although they are admitedly for my brother, though that possibly makes it even worse?)


Ok, i can't find my note book with all my things i was going to write about. Which totally sucks because i was going to write them all in a Sunday afternoon homework kind of way. Well, I suppose i shall have to wait til i find that and then write them, which could take, who knows, a few thousand years? I shall have to go back to playing Zelda (on my new (pink(!)) Nintendo DS!) while i (and you) wait.

Oh, and Happy chinese new year!

A Picture of Pete Doherty

I am reading The Picture Of Dorian Gray at the moment, by Oscar Wilde. I think it was mentioned on QI, or Stephen Fry made me think of Wilde because he plays him in the film (called Wilde, funnily enough). So i borrowed it from the library, and have been utterly absorbed by it. I never sleep a good nights sleep because i am up so late reading this amazing book. (It is now overdue at the library and i will have to pay a hefty fine on it i expect).

The story concerns a young man called Dorian Gray, who is extrordinaily beautiful. An artist friend of his paints a portrait of him, and Dorian's beauty is fully revealed to himself. He wishes that he could go on being young forever, whilst his picture aged instead of him, as he decides that youth is the most precious thing there is. His new philosophy is that the only thing to live for is pleasure and enjoyment.
He goes on to live a callous life of debauchery, breaking hearts and ruining people. His picture not only ages but also changes to reflect his cruelty and selfishness, evidence of all his sins.
As far as i have read, he has just killed someone and has started smoking Opium, and i have not found out what happens yet...

Basically, you could call it A Picture of Pete Doherty.

Don't you mean you need a leg?

The other day i missed Neighbours. And i missed the best scene in Australian TV of recent history:
Paul Robinson, who recently had his leg amputated due to medical complications, is struggling with something. Izzy, who currently lives with him in his lair/house is just sitting around or whatever, ignoring him.

Paul: "Uh, i need a hand here!"

Izzy: "Don't you mean you need a leg, Paul?"

Worth 1000

There is a website called Worth 1000 (as in, "a picture is worth a thousand words"). The idea behind it is that you enter competitions on it inwhich you use Photoshop to do various things with images. Then other members vote on how good they are. Some of the "Choppers" as they are known, are amazing though, making pictures like this:

Solitaire Olive Dish

Check out this amazing Solitaire Olive dish!
These are the kinds of thing which make me love design. This is the kind of thing i would fill my house with if i were one of those people on Grand Designs with too much money and not enough common sense.

Mr Miyagi RIP

New Film Classification

I watched 'The Fighting Temptations' last night.
I love those films where there is a team or a choir or something, and the team is always rubbish at the beginning of the film. Then a new leader comes along (they go to a new school, move towns or something) , who invariably is totally uninterested in the group, or is only involved for selfish reasons (money or to impress someone). Then they have a change of heart and manage to bring the group together, with the help of some misfits and a quiet character blossoming, til the team come first in the Nationals.
They are great. I get so sucked into them and i like the formula. But shouldn't there be a different classification for them? They aren't really purely 'rom-com', and they aren't serious 'dramas'. What could their classification be? Team-com? Teamie? Groupie? There should be a new one though, so there can be a whole entire section of Blockbusters devoted to them.

If it sounds like i am being too specific, look at this extensive list of examples:

-Sister Act
-Sister Act II
-Bring It On
-Bring It On Again
-Drumline
-The Fighting Temptations
-The Replacements
-Kicking and Screaming

Factotum

A lot of things happen to me which seem just too coincidental. I look up a word i don't know the meaning of and it is thereafter everywhere i go. I go and buy a book and then see a poster for it's film. I suppose it could be argued that somehow my subconscious picks up on things and influences my actions, but i don't know. It just seems too uncanny.
A few days ago i didn't have anything to read so i picked up 'Dr Strangelove'. The next day the film was on TV.
Today i bought 'Factotum' by Charles Bukowski after someone told me it was good. I get to work and there is an ad for the film 'Factotum' starring Matt Dillon on the Guardian Website.

COINCIDENCE?

Quiet Is The New Loud

I hate when i catch on to something ages after everyone else and it's now old hat.
I bought Quiet Is The New Loud by Kings of Convenience a few weeks ago and only properly listened to it the other day and it is SO lovely! and so sad.
But why did no-one tell me?
Am i being hideously uncool? were they really good but then suddenly deemed lame like so many things these days? I suppose quiet was the new loud for a while, when Royksopp (and whatever happened to them?) were so beloved by all. But now there is no quiet at all! So Loud is the new Quiet i suppose. Or i am just being pedantic.

Neighbours II

After installing the tracker (in the links to the right) on here, i have been dismayed to find that pretty much the only thing which people are searching for on Google and coming here for are the spoilers i wrote for Neighbours. How lame!

Another day, another dollar

Well i was going to go and see that band but their van caught fire. So i didn't.
So instead of having a lovely Hangover Saturday, i went to Bluewater.
Bluewater is amazing.
It is like, an offering to The Gods Of Commerce. A cathedral of capitalism.
It is the closest thing to an American mall as we have in our quaint country of moderation. If it was in America it would be practically empty, but as this is England, it was stuffed full of people.
It'd be amazing if we in this country could get our act together more often and produce something so lovely and efficient as this on a more frequent basis, maybe for a more worthy cause than pure cash money.

Razzle Dazzle

Check out these WWI 'Razzle Dazzle Boats' They are amazing! To confuse the enemy they painted some of the boats in these insane colours and patterns.
How come i never knew about this?!

The curse of a good imagination

Last night i made the stupid mistake of watching a bit of Channel 4's 100 Greatest Scary Moments. 83 was Whistle And I'll Come To You, where an old man finds a whistle and blows it, then is pursued by a ghost. At some point he sees the bedclothes across the room stiffen and move around as if by a ghost. Now, every night i get freaked out by things which i think look like faces, and whenever i watch something scary i can't sleep. I used to think this was because i was a total wuss but i realised that it is actually because i have such a good imagination that i start to see this scary thing in everything. I was terrified that things were going to move about my room in the night and I would be paralysed and horrified.
Number 77 was Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, where William Shatner sees a gremlin on the side of his plane and no-one believes him that it is there. I had to close all the blinds so that i would not see the windows as i was terrified that i would see a gremlin there.
I know it is so ridiculous, but look how scary the gremlin is! It appears at Shatners plane window pressed right against the glass, looking like a sea creature...